Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Oh So Glamorous Life.

This morning, I woke up at 4:52am. I have no idea why, but once I was awake there was no going back to sleep. I paced around for a bit, had breakfast, showered, and emptied the cat box. I decided that I might as well head out around 6:15 because I had to make a stop anyway.

I stopped at the Wal-Mart next to my house. They are the only place open at 6:15 and conveniently located on one of my available paths to work. It was not a pleasure visit, as much as a search and obtain mission.

I was marching through the store when then ridiculously attractive, probably felon, employee of Wal-Mart looked at me. Not in the way that you look at the crazy folks in Wal-Mart. He looked at me in the way that a man looks at a woman. I scurried away as fast as possible.

I should probably note that my style, for the most part, is probably the same as a 12 year old boy. I am wearing beige corduroy pants, sneakers, and a black t-shirt. My hair was up in a tiny pony tail and still wet from my shower. I don't really wear make up that often, and today was definitely not one of those days.

I collected my purchases and was making my way to the register when Mr. Tall, Dark, Handsome, and probably a criminal again stood in my path. I froze like prey and then he looked down. Oh God. I realized suddenly that I stood there holding the ultimate and perfect man repellent. I held in my two, suddenly sweaty, hands the following items:

  • One Giant Box of Tampons.
  • One Giant Box of Maxi Pads
  • One pack of prepared chocolate pudding cups.

I scurried away and hurried through the checkout, passing him again at the cashier's desk. I marched off into the darkness and went to work.


  1. at least you weren't carrying any feminine wipes too...

  2. While I've never been there, I can certainly relate. It's so funny that they make those things look like something we chat about happily amongst friends on TV, when in reality, we scurry about with them like they were some type of plague-spreading devices.

    Also: You are quite beautiful without need of makeup, thank you. :)

  3. @Krystalle - You know it's crazy. I hear of men buying them all the time, and I don't think I have ever sent a man to do that. I might have when I was married, but I was knocked up and breast feeding the whole time. Also, thank you. I think the powers that be understood that I wouldn't get the concept behind applying eyeliner and that the men I date generally have more experience with it than I do.

    @Sadia - I was thinking the same thing. They were on sale and I thought it might be nice to have some in the office, but I decided the money could be better spent elsewhere.

    The only thing that could have been funnier/better would have been if I marched past him with handfuls of fleet enemas and Summer's Eve products. I think in that situation you have no choice but to whisper "Hey, Baby" and wink and you stomp by.

  4. I'm here to tell you I have bought such items, many times in fact since I do most of the grocery shopping. If it's buried in with a ton of groceries no one seems to care.

    BTW, your outfit as described seemed perfectly casual and probably off-handedly sexy, hence the intense felonious interest.

  5. You are so funny...Trust me, I have seen you and that man knows what he was looking at...simply delicious!

  6. @SFL - Unfortunately, it was a search and obtain mission since it was the only thing I needed. Since I live alone, I don't really go grocery shopping to often anymore. I am becoming more and more of a bachelor as time goes by.

    @Anonymous-Chef - I'm glad you think I am funny. I think part of what makes my stories so funny is that fact that they are true. I really have bizarre and random things happen to and around me, all the time.